Two forces tug at your relationship, affecting romance between you and your sweetheart.
Relational therapist Esther Perel calls those forces love and desire.
Love cherishes stability, predictability and security. Love finds contentment in calm seas. You and I are at ease loving our sweetheart when the relational topography resembles a wide-open prairie with little variation.
Desire wants excitement, unpredictability, and adventure. Desire thrives in the adrenaline rush of a spontaneous adventure or random moments of excitement with your sweetheart.
Both love and desire are crucial for romance, either can turn your relationship into a tragedy.
Your relationship needs the stability and predictability of love to be prominent. But if love is allowed to dominate your relationship to the point of strangling the spark of desire, you will end up with just a companion.
Maybe you’ve built a foundation of love in your relationship. Wonderful! Love gives both of you a sense of comfort, of safety, of calm. Each is provided a place they know they will be accepted.
But a relationship needs desire. And if you believe desire should just happen naturally, that’s wishful thinking.
Want more desire? Plan for desire. From the safety of your love, plan times for desire. Set up a date to do something unpredictable. Brainstorm ideas. Be open to whatever may bubble to the surface and explore the suggestions. Maybe going out to dinner means you just start driving and see where you end up. Don’t just talk about it. Take action.
Let your foundation of love give wings to precocious and unpredictable ideas. The certainty of love makes the uncertainty of desire safe.
Oscar Wilde once stated, “The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” I say, the uncertainty of desire thrives on the foundation of love, leading to romance.
Which do you prefer: Love or Desire? Robert